Page Text: By a.thigpen In Personal , Uncategorized
These past couple days have just been extremely rough for some reason. Maybe it’s a build up of little things every so often, maybe it’s just me. But as we know, writing is therapeutic for me and to try and save myself from another night of tears, I’m putting into words what’s going on in my head.
A few weeks ago, I attended Winter Jam , a Christian music event. One of the artists on the lineup is Tenth Avenue North, which is a band who sings very emotional songs that I have purposefully been skipping when they come on so I don’t have to be sad (example A: By Your Side ). I had myself prepared for this and had my tissues ready. Fortunately, they didn’t end up singing this song, but instead sang a new song titled “ I Have This Hope .” In between some of the lines, the lead singer began to tell the back story of the song. One of the member’s wife had been diagnosed with cancer (I thought I escaped tears, but when I heard this my heart sank). But this story had a different ending than mine. Turns out that she went through treatment and is now in remission. Immediately I felt hurt, anger, jealousy, and everything in between. Then I felt ashamed and disgusted that I felt those things towards someone else’s miracle story, but I couldn’t help it.
Why does God choose to save some people and not others? Why does God let these awful things happen to such good people who mean so much to so many others? Why did God allow this awful thing to happen to my family even though I prayed through tear filled eyes and a cracking voice every night “Please, please, please don’t take her away from me. I can’t handle that.” Why are there no answers to any of these questions? No answers leave a wandering heart and soul unable to find peace and rest.
And don’t get me started on “blessings.” Have you ever noticed that when people experience some sort of horrible thing and they make it through alright, they talk about how much God has loved and blessed them? I get that maybe they’re looking to witness to unbelievers or whatever, but it’s actually damaging and hurtful to see or read. “God is so good and loves me so much that he brought me out of that car accident without a scratch.” “God is so merciful and has blessed me immensely by saving my marriage.” What about those people who don’t make it out of that car crash? Or those marriages that aren’t restored even though there’s been relentless praying and pleading? Does God not love, show mercy, or bless those people? Does God not love, show mercy, or bless me because he ignored my prayers and took my mom out of this world? Because it sure feels like it when I hear and read stories like that, and it sure isn’t helpful when I’m already struggling so much with my faith in God.
Life is hard. It keeps moving forward even when I’m not ready for it to. I have spent days unable to get out of bed because I can’t bring myself to face the day. I have spent days where I sleep for 20 hours and accomplish nothing. And people say “hey, that’s okay. You have down days sometimes,” but all it does is make me feel worse about myself. Like how awful is it that I have an 8 page paper to write, a chapter to read, an online quiz to take, and I’ve spent my entire day sleeping. That’s disgusting. Who does that? I have responsibilities and I’m supposed to be doing well in school, staying on top of my work, have a social life, and be involved on campus. But the most steps I’ve taken are to the bathroom then back to my bed. So there goes what little motivation I had. So I lay back in bed mad at myself but too upset to do anything about it.
And it’s been six months. People have moved on or forgotten about it by now. It’s not like the first week where you get messages, cards, meals, and all that stuff from people. Eventually it dies down and life somehow is supposed to go back to normal. To be honest, I can’t really say I’ve had many aspirations lately. I float in and out of everyday trying my best, but most days that’s pretty bleak. Other people may have moved on, but I’m nowhere near that point. I can’t be. This is my mom and now she’s gone. Nothing has ever been so permanent in my life before and I don’t know how to grasp the meaning of it all and deal with it. And just when I think I might be okay for a little bit, a sad song comes on, someone makes a joke about death, a classmate talks about their mom, cancer is brought up in class, one of those miracle stories is posted, a memory comes up on TimeHop, I see a mom and her kids out in public, or whatever else sort of event. Then I silently let it eat at me because nobody knows what’s going on and why should they care? We’re in class trying to get an education or at work trying to get the job done. It’s not breakdown hour where we cry and get upset because we’re feeling down.
The sad part is, nothing can make this better. Sure, people pray for my family or do nice things for us, but that doesn’t change the fact that my mom is gone and there’s nothing anybody can do to bring her back. And then that makes everyone else feel sad and bad for us which in turn makes me feel worse. There’s just no escaping this cycle…
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