Page Text: By a.thigpen In Uncategorized
I’ve realized it’s almost been a year since I’ve written a blog post and I find that shocking. I used to turn to writing every chance I had. I’m so much better at writing out my thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc. than I am at speaking them. So what happened?
I don’t really know, but I’ve been having a little itch in the back of my mind for over a month now telling me I need to get back to it, even if it’s just me writing for myself and nobody else ever takes the time to read it. Then recently I found a purpose.
I’m currently reading a book titled The Mingling of Souls by Matt Chandler. It’s a book about God’s design for love, marriage, sex and redemption. As many of you know, I’m currently planning a wedding for next summer. Jacob and I both want to prepare ourselves the best we can going into this marriage, so I’ve been trying to find resources to help me do just that. Well, this book has turned everything I know upside down. It has made me doubt myself and Jacob as being able to be good partners. It has made me second guess our entire relationship. It has made me feel physically sick with worry and anxiety.
You’re probably thinking all of those things are horrible and negative, which I guess they can be, but there’s something so much better that has come from this. This book, and especially those doubts, worries, and fears, have reminded me that I’m a broken person who will never be perfect, and neither will Jacob, no matter how hard we try to prepare. It reminds me that love is a choice I have to make every single day, not just a feeling I have towards someone. It reminds me that God beautifully designed marriage for our good and enjoyment, and Satan will take every opportunity he has to run it, like filling me with worry and letting my anxiety take over.
This book has also opened my eyes and has taught me so much about myself and about God. Many of you know that I have struggled with my relationship with God ever since my mother passed away (hence my blog posts like I’d Rather Be Dead , Bitter or Salty? and The Real Emotions of Hurting People ) and for some reason, reading this book and feeling all the negativity has brought me the closest I’ve felt to God in over 2 years.
There was a point where I finished reading a chapter, I set down the book and I began praying to God. I can probably count on one hand the amount of times I’ve willingly prayed to God in the past 2 years, but for some reason I felt compelled to do so. Something has just clicked in realization of the fact that I am a sinner and I need God’s grace. I need his help, daily, hourly, every minute, every second. And of course you’re taught that in Christian Basics 101, but I’ve never felt it click and make sense like I did sitting in my beanbag chair after reading that chapter.
I don’t really know where I’m going with this, I just know I needed to get it out. My hope is that I continue to grow and flourish into a wonderful example of a child of God and be a loving, caring, supportive, biblical wife for Jacob, come our wedding next year. I have spent so much time forcing myself to stay in the hurt, loss, depression, pain and darkness of losing my mom. In no way am I saying I “got over it” or that it isn’t painful anymore, but I can’t spend my life in that hole. I know my mom wants more for me than that, and I know God has more than that in His plan for me.
I guess, my friends, I just want your listening ear. I want your support and your accountability. I want your encouragement. I want your prayers. I want your conversation. Whatever time and attention and energy you can give me, I want it. I need it. Because I’m about to go into overdrive on trying to become a better person in every aspect I can reach.
If you’ve read this far, thank you. I’m not sure if you’ve gained anything from my rambling, but know that I feel better having written it.
Love and blessings,