Page Text: By a.thigpen In Journal , Personal
Growing up, I was always that smiling, happy, all around positive kid. My life was good and I didn’t have any worries. My teachers would tell me I was a joy to have in class and friends would gravitate towards my positive attitude and seek my kind advice. This attribute became engrained in my very being, pouring out through my personality and was how other people saw me.
Somewhere along the way, things changed. I mean, I went through the weird middle school phase just like every other human being on the planet, but was still a fairly happy teenager with good friends, a supportive church and a wonderful family. I made my fair share of stupid mistakes in high school, but again, I bounced back and could still find plenty of joy in my life. Even as I set off for college, the enormous worry bag I was, I spent more time smiling than frowning.
I can’t tell you when exactly I stopped feeling positive. Personally, I think it happened around the time I lost my mom. I walked through the deepest, darkest valley of my life when that happened, but I still kept going. That experience changed me as a person, and maybe even took away that joyful spark people used to see in my eyes all the time.
Soon after, I began striving to be the person I knew growing up. The one who could turn a frown upside down. The one everyone came to for advice because I could help boost their spirits and solve their problems. The one who always chose to look at the positives. Unfortunately, I wasn’t this person anymore and it became a facade I wore, and somewhere down the line, I threw it away entirely.
I developed a “woe is me” mentality. That God didn’t really love me, people didn’t want to be around me, and I would never be truly happy ever again because life was too unfair. Was this part of becoming an adult and losing the rose colored glasses you have as a child? Was this a punishment from God because I’m unworthy? I just came to accept that this is how life was going to be from now on. I can pretend to be joyful in public but shed that skin as soon as I came home to dwell in my own despair.
I realized just how much of a problem this was a few weeks ago when I was in therapy. My therapist, God bless this woman, asked me to name 3 things I was content with in my life. I stared blankly at her and couldn’t name a thing. Me, a 22 year old girl, married to the love of her life who bends over backwards to make me happy, living in a new apartment in a beautiful city, having a job that pays me well with a boss who values me as an employee and individual, having absolutely zero debt whatsoever as an individual and as a couple, not living paycheck to paycheck with a nice cushion in the bank, a member of a fabulous church that I love so very dearly….you get the point. I had blessing after blessing after blessing to be thankful for, yet none of them satisfied me. The anxiety to be better, do more and obtain this status of perfection demolished the worth of every positive thing in my life.
Sure I had a job, but it wasn’t a 9-5, high paying one, so I wasn’t happy. Sure, I had a newly renovated apartment in a very nice town, but it wasn’t a house that we owned, so I wasn’t happy. Sure I had a beautiful wedding that didn’t put us in debt and married a wonderful man who takes care of me, but we weren’t perfect spouses, so I wasn’t happy. Sure, we had zero student or credit card debt and live comfortably within our means, but we haven’t completed all of the Dave Ramsey baby steps, so I wasn’t happy. This constant push of “the grass is greener on the other side” and that there were more levels to achieve robbed me of any contentment and satisfaction I could have with the real progress we had already made and the everyday blessings not everyone has. I broke down in tears that night when I told Jacob about my session and I felt disgusted with myself.
And of course this reared its ugly head in my everyday life. I succumbed to the negative attitudes of the world. I went to work upset that I had to work, convincing myself it would be a horrible day (instead of being thankful I had a good job that paid well). While at work, I let the negativity of others bring me down (instead of trying to bring positivity to others). I fell victim to the gossip game (instead of putting an end to it and lifting the mood). I came home feeling sour and would take it out on Jacob (instead of enjoying the time with my spouse).
I hit rock bottom just last week at work. I can’t even remember what exactly we were talking about but I mentioned that Jacob left a pen in his shorts and it exploded in the wash and ruined one of my shirts. My co-worker asked me why I didn’t check pockets when I did laundry. I said, and I quote, “Jacob is a grown ass adult who can check his own damn pockets. I’m already doing his laundry for him, so why can’t he check his pockets?” It got kind of quiet and we moved to a different subject and I shared a different story which ended with “I sure do love that man.” and my co-worker’s response was “Are you sure? Because it doesn’t ever sound that way.” The horrified look on her face afterwards told me that wasn’t supposed to be an outside voice comment, but that really hit me hard. Am I really such a negative person that the people I spend the most time with can’t see that I love my husband so freaking much? It was that moment, coupled with not being able to be content, that I knew something had to change.
To be honest, I thought it would be easy. I thought I could just flip the positivity switch to “on” and we’d be set. But I quickly remembered what momma always told me, “attitude is a choice, darling.” I fail, every single day, but I grew accustomed to this nasty way of thinking, speaking and acting so it’s not going to change overnight. I have to train my mind, my mouth and my body to do what is honorable, right and kind. I am called to produce good fruits from the things God has blessed me with and I have failed miserably and need to do better, for the sake of myself and others.
I don’t know where to go from here, but I do know that the light has clicked in my mind and it’s time to make a serious change for the better. I was made for more than this. I am commanded to be more than this and I’m going to give it every ounce of effort that I can muster. I know I will never be that happy little girl again, but I can be a woman who chooses to be gracious and kind, and joyful, no matter her circumstances.
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