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Are you on the asexuality spectrum and interested in dating? If so, this guide is for you!
Yes, you can find romance if you’re looking for it!
Yes, you might already know this intellectually. But because there’s a misconception that romance isn’t accessible to people on the asexuality spectrum who want it, it can still be helpful to hear (er, read)!
“Dating and forming romantic relationships is absolutely possible for asexual people,” says Kayla Kaszyca , co-host of “ Sounds Fake But Okay ,” a podcast about asexuality and aromanticism.
“The broad definition of asexuality is little to no sexual attraction,” she says. “That doesn’t say anything about romantic attraction or partnerships.” True!
In case you don’t know: People have a sexual orientation *and* a romantic orientation.
“Someone might be asexual and homoromantic, or asexual and biromantic, or any other combination,” Kaszyca explains.
A nonexhaustive list of common romantic orientations includes:
Aromantic . You experience little to no romantic attraction to anyone.
Biromantic . You have the potential to be romantically attracted to people of two or more genders.
Demiromantic. You experience romantic attraction infrequently, but when you do it’s only after a strong emotional connection has been developed.
Heteroromantic. You only experience romantic attraction to people with a different gender than you.
Homoromantic. You only experience romantic attraction to people with a similar gender as you.
Polyromantic. You have the potential to be romantically attracted to people of many genders.
Knowing your identity can be helpful
Do you need to have your list of identifiers locked under key before embarking on a dating journey? No, not at all!
But Kaszyca, who is demisexual , says it can be helpful. Knowing your identity can help you know your boundaries around sexual activity, she explains.
When she was first figuring out where she is on the asexuality spectrum, she says, “I had a lot of anxiety and nervousness around going on dates because I didn’t know what to do if someone wanted to hook up or have sex with me.”
Once she learned the label “demisexual,” she found it easier to explain her personal boundaries and needs around sex.
Figure out if you want to date someone else on the asexuality spectrum
Or, if you’re comfortable dating someone who is allosexual .
“Some people on the asexuality spectrum prefer to date other people on the asexuality spectrum because there’s an immediate understanding of your experience as asexual,” Kaszyca says.
Often, dating someone who’s also asexual results in less anxiety around sex or the pressure to have sex down the line, she adds.
But some people on the asexuality spectrum are totally comfortable dating someone allosexual, and maybe even enjoy sex despite not experiencing sexual attraction.
“Typically, someone’s feelings on dating someone who’s allosexual will depend on whether or not they’re sex-repulsed, sex-neutral, or something else altogether,” Kaszyca explains.
To determine your own preference on this topic, you may find it helpful to ask yourself these questions:
Am I sex-repulsed? Am I sex-neutral? Am I intrigued by sex? Am I interested in having sex?
What’s my preferred relationship structure?
Do I want to date someone asexual?
How do I feel about my partner having sex with people other than myself?
Consider your thoughts on being in a long-distance relationship
According to Kaszyca, “It’s relatively common for asexual people to be in long-distance relationships with other asexual people where they don’t see each other often, or meet in person ever.”
Thinking through your own thoughts on being long-distance may help you determine how you’ll meet someone (IRL or URL). Or, if URL, the max distance between you that feels doable for you for regular visits.
The best place to meet another asexual person is online
The online asexual community is poppin’!
“We’re all over the internet!” says Yasmin Benoit, MSc, asexuality activist and creator of the hashtag #ThisIsWhatAsexualLooksLike . “There’s an ace community on pretty much every platform.”
“There’s /asexuality on Reddit, asexuality Facebook groups, and asexual folks on Tumblr,” Benoit explains. “There’s also an ace community on Twitter, Instagram, and Discord.”
Plus, Benoit says, “the AVEN ( Asexual Visibility and Education Network ) forums, which have been around for decades, are often a starting point for a lot of people.”
You might try meeting another asexual person on asexual-specific dating platforms
Yep, those exist!
Kaszyca recommends checking out Asexuals.net , which is a dating website, or Asexual Cupid , which is an asexual-specific dating app.
These can be great because you won’t have to worry about acting as Asexuality Google. Or about debunking asexuality myths and misconceptions, which can get exhausting.
As Kaszyca says, “It’s uncommon to be able to tell someone ‘I’m asexual’ or ‘I’m demisexual’ and have them know what you mean.”
You can try other dating apps, too
Some dating apps like OKCupid allow you to indicate that you’re asexual right in your bio (the way other folks might indicate “lesbian” or “heterosexual”).
Of course, the dating apps that don’t have this option ( Tinder , Bumble , Lex , and the like) allow you to indicate as much in your bio if you want to!
“I’d definitely recommend putting it in your bio just to save some time,” Benoit says. “If it’s a deal breaker, then it’s best to know that from the start so that neither of you waste any of your time.” Makes sense.